Good Jokes

I dialed a number and got the following recording:
"I am not available right now, but
Thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the
Beep. If I do not return your call,
You are one of the changes."

~~~~~

Aspire to inspire before you expire.

~~~~~

( I LOVE THIS ONE! )

My wife and I had words,
But I didn't get to use mine.
~~~~~
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.

~~~~~
The irony of life is that, by the time
You're old enough to know your way around, you're not going anywhere.
~~~~~
God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.
~~~~~
I was always taught to respect my elders, But it keeps getting harder to find one.
~~~~~
Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed. He shoots his friend and kills him. Wife says "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends!"
*********************

What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant,
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and Panic is when both are pregnant.

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Teacher: Do you know the importance of a period?
Kid: Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted,dad got a heart attack & our driver ran away.

*********************
A woman asks a man who is traveling with six children,"Are all these kids yours?"
The man replies,"No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer complaints".
*********************

A young boy asks his Dad,"What is the difference between confident and confidential?"
Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential."
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Nominated as the best short joke this year..
A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.
"Mom" he asked, "are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied.

 

Stag Night Jokes

The other day I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and of course I have been married for 20+ years.
 
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by wearing a black leather bra & bodice, stiletto heels and a mask over just our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here's how it all went:
 
My engaged friend:
 The other night my boyfriend came over and found me wearing a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
 He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made love all night long.
 
The mistress:
 Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels and mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we made love all night.
 
Then I had to share my story:
 When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said...
 

"What's for dinner, Batman


Have You Ever Wondered Why Men Lie? Here's the Answer


One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river.

When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"

The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.

The Lord went down in the water and reappeared with a golden axe.

"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe."Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?"the Lord asked.

"Yes", he replied.

The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Angelina Jolie.

"Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The woodcutter fell to his knees and cried, "Oh, forgive me, Lord.

It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Angelina Jolie, You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'no'to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, and I love my wife such that I don't want her to share me with anyone, so THAT'S why I said yes to Angelina Jolie."

The moral of this story is:

Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honourable reason, and for the benefit of others… MOSTLY his wife!

That's our story, and we're sticking to it..THE GUYS






Joke - Marriage is Sharing

Marriage is sharing 

The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She
sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink..


Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'

She answered,:

(Continue below - This is great)






'....THE TEETH!'


Joke - Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
 
 2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
 
 3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
 
 4. A dog's parents never visit.
 
 5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
 
 6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
 
 7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk..
 
 8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing

 9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"
 
 10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
 
 11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
 
 12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.
 
 13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
 
And last, but not least:
 
 14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.
 
To test this theory:
Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour. Then open it and see who's happy to see you.
 
 

 


Best Put Down Lines to Best Chat Lines

We're all familiar with the cliched chat-up lines we so often hear but what about the even better put down lines fed back by the young ladies being fed the lines! These aren't so much a gently put down rather being dropped from a great height and weights around your ankles. These make for great speech material.

1. Hey what are you doing tonight?

Sorry I don't date outside my species!

2. Hi there, where have you been all my life?

Well for most of it, I wasn't born!

3. Is this seat empty?

Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down !

4. What's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?

What's a nice guy like you doing with a face like that!

5. How about you and me get together soemtime?

I'm busy, you're ugly. Have a nice day!

6. Haven't I seen you someplace before?

Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore!

What About 'I'd Love to Go Out With You But....'

1. I have to worm the dog

2. I'm teaching my dog to yodel

3. I'm sandblasting my oven

4. I'm trying to be less popular

5. I'm being deported

 


Beer According to 7 Year Olds

 A handful of 7 year old children were asked what they thought of beer. There were some interesting responses.

'I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mum gets.'
--Tim, 7 years old

'Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice.'
--Melanie, 7 years old

'My Mum and Dad both like beer. My Mum gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny.'
--Grady, 7 years old

''My Mum and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.'
--Toby, 7 years old

'My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much.
--Sarah, 7 years old

'My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool.'
--Lily, 7 years old

'I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting.'
--Ethan, 7 years old

'I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep.'
--Shirley, 7 years old



Bob and the Blond Joke

Not very PC but still quite funny.

Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10 PM news was coming on.

The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?" Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a £20 note on the bar and said, "You're on!" Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her £20 to Bob. "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news, so I knew he would jump." The blonde replied, "I did, too, but I didn't think he'd do it again." Bob took the money.


Stag Night Jokes

The Church Organist
 
There was a church down in Texas
that had a very big-busted organist.  Her breasts
were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she
played the organ.  Unfortunately,  she distracted the
congregation considerably.  The very proper church
ladies were appalled.  They said something had to be
done about this or they would have to get another
organist.  One of the church ladies approached her very
discreetly and told her to mash up some green
persimmons,  and rub them on her breasts and maybe
they would shrink in size,  but warned her to not
eat any of the green persimmons though,  because they
are so sour,  they will make your mouth pucker up and
you won't be able to talk properly for a long while.
 
  She agreed to try it.  The following Sunday morning
the minister got up on the pulpit and said,  "Dew to
thircumstanthis bewond my contwol we will not hath
a thermon tewday."


Stag Night Joke Ideas

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to
consider this...

A husband and wife are travelling by car from Brisbane to Melbourne .

After almost ten hours on the road, they're too tired to continue and
they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a
room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on
the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk; hands them a
bill for $450.00.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He
tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't
worth $450.00.

When the clerk tells him $450.00 is the standard rate, the man insists
on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the
hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were
available for the husband and wife to use.

'But we didn't use them,' the man complains

'Well, they are here, and you could have,' explains the Manager. He
goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which
the hotel is famous. 'The best entertainers from New York , Hollywood,
and Las Vegas perform here,' the Manager says.

'But we didn't go to any of those shows, 'complains the man again.

'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager replies.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentions!  the man replies, 'But we
didn't use it!'

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to
pay. He writes a cheque and gives it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque.  'But sir,' he
says, 'this cheque is only made out for $50.00.'

'That's correct,' says the man. 'I charged you $400 for sleeping with my wife.'

'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.

'Well, too bad,' the man replies. 'She was here and you could have!!