These are great to incorporate into any wedding speeches you've got coming up. So if you're the Best man or the Groom fill your boots:-
1. The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen
table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for
no reason. I thought to myself "She's going through the change."
2. When I was in the pub I heard a couple of dickheads saying that they
wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.
What a pair of sexist [email protected] I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse
the bloody thing!
3. Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter' who has stabbed
six people in the arse in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be
following some kind of pattern.
4. Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could
5. A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break
and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is
angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear
and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have
their pick nicked."
6. Murphy says to Paddy "What ya talkin to an envelope for?" "I'm
sending a voicemail ya thick sod!"
7. Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on
the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.
8. 19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of
you?" Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."
9. An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world,
swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It
came as no surprise to learn his name is Bindair Dundat.