Jokes of the Week
Why English Teachers Die Young.
Actual Analogies and Metaphors Found in High School Essays
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides
gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like
underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated
because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a
formerly surcharge-free ATM.
4. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a
bowling ball wouldn't.
5. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a
guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those
boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high
schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those
boxes with a pinhole in it.
6. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli and he was
room-temperature Canadian beef.
7. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes
just before it throws up.
8. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
9. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag
filled with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an
eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and
Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots
when you fry them in hot grease.