The Wedding Night ...Joke

At 85 years of age, Roger married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old.

Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock' on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and
there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one.

All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger, Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny
consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Roger Is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more
'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other.

But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I Am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often.
I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once.You are truly a great lover, Roger.'

Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here already?'

The moral of the story:

Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has its advantages!!

 


Wedding Speech ideas - Peter Kay's Universal Truths

Here are some good ideas for speech material that I found on the Welsh View blog - No.35 is particularly inspired.

Peter Kay's Universal Truths


1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.

4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.

5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator>

6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.

7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.

8) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
 
9) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
 
10) You never know where to look when eating a banana.

11) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.

12) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.

13) Rummaging in an overgrow garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.

14) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

15) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
 
16) the most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.

17) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.
 
18) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.

19) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
 
20) Old women with mobile phones look wrong.

Continue reading "Wedding Speech ideas - Peter Kay's Universal Truths" »


Funny GCSE Exam Answers - Great Wedding Speech Material

These are real answers from 16 year old GCSE students this summer!

The following questions were set in last year's GCSE examination in Swindon, Wiltshire (U.K.)

These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)

Q. Name the four seasons
A.. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. S.ex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs

Q. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery
(So true)

Q Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A... The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E,I, O and U (What the *!!*???)

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (OMG)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head
For more information on stag weekend ideas visit our website

Wedding Bills Down £1,000 in 2009

The bill for getting married in 2009 dropped by £1,000 as couples ditch the luxuries found a "You and Your Wedding" magazine poll. The poll of 4,000 readers found that brides are dropping items such as spa treatments to keep the bills down - but the average wedding still costs £19,265 in 2009 compared to £20,273 in 2008. Brides have also cut back on items such as make-up, wedding rings and food. Also the spend on bridemaids has dropped from £712 to £371 while money spent on wedding dresses crept up from £977 to £1,018.

The biggest expense is still the reception at a whopping £7,462 with £2,487 going on the venue, £3,100 on food, £1,276 on drink and £599 on disco's-down from £7,724 in 2008. The poll also revealed that that 1 in 10 couples still expected the bride's parents to pay for it. Just over four out of 10 weddings are now paid for by both families. More than half are paid for by the bride and the groom through savings.

£3,100

on wedding breakfast

£0

Spent on weight loss and spas

£850

the price of rings

£2,866

honeymoon, hen & stag dos

£88

on lingerie

This corresponds to our own experience in the stag weekend market. Stags are certainly looking for better value for their money this year compared to last. That doesn't mean cheap but they are just careful and looking to maximsie what they get for the money they're prepared to spent. Budget stag weekends have been very popular this year so far.


Stag Night Jokes and Speech Ideas

A man boarded an aircraft at London 's Heathrow Airport for New York, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading
 straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.

"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?" She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to The annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States ."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked,
"What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded."I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.."
"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"

 "Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers,
when actually it is the men of Greek descent.

We have also found that the best potential lovers in all
Categories are the Irish."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm
sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I
don't even know your name!"

 "Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."

For stag weekend ideas visit our website.


Fancy Dress for the Stag Weeeknd but what About the Wedding?

JediStormTroopersClose It's traditional for the stag to be dressed up in fancy dress on his  stag weekend or stag night. This can be anything from a woman in full female attire through to Elvis. However is it taking this idea to far when  the fancy dress theme is carried over to the wedding.

How does Darth Vadar giving the bride away sound? Jessica planned the surpirse after learning her other half Stuart Robinson, a Star Wars fan, wrote to Jim'll Fix It as a boy asking to meet the characters from the film. Jessica hired Darth Vadar and two stormtroopers for the wedding in Keighley, West Yorkshire. " I wanted something to surprise him," said Jessica , "but Darth Vadar kept treading on my dress and I had to keep telling him off."

I imagine this was quite disconcerting for the priest having Darth and 2 stormtroopers standing there while conducting the ceremony.



Call of the Wild Stag and Hen weekends - Ideas for the Wedding

How the wedding day runs is always a worry for the bestman, great expectation can create a lot of pressure.  The meal can take forever when you know everyone is waiting for thee speech! Not all guests know their fellow guests either and a lighthearted way of getting people to relax is to pass round a quiz about the bride and groom and the table who gets the highest score wins a small prize, bottle of wine, bubbly, box of chocolates etc.  "How well do you know the Bride and Groom?" This can keep people entertained and chatting during the meal when sometimes conversation between people newly introduced can slow a little. Another suggestion is for each guest to pay a nominal fee to guess the length of the speeches and the money collected can be given to a favourite charity of the newly married couple, with a small prize going to whoever gets the closest time. The ushers can help the bestman here by collecting the forms and money etc.


Some Great Jokes For th Bestman or Groom

25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER

1.My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
cleaning."

2.My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3.My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of
next week!"

4.My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."

5.My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to
the store with me."

6.My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7.My mother taught me IRONY
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8.My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9.My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10.My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11.My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12.My mother taught m e about HYPOCRISY."
If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13.My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14.My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15.My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't
have wonderful parents like you do."

16.My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17.My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You ar e going to get it when you get home!"

18.My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that
way."

19.My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20.My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21.My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22.My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23.My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn ?"

24.My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite:My mother taught me about JUSTICE
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.