Funny Jokes

1.Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

2. A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them.. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

3.Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband

4.A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'

5.One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.' So he tied her up and went golfing

6.After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman's cabinet by the bed.  He begins to worry.  'Is this your husband?' he nervously asks.'No, silly,' she replies, snuggling up to him.Your boyfriend, then?' he continues. No, not at all,' she says, nibbling away at his ear. 'Is it your dad or your brother?' he inquires,hoping to be reassured. 'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!' she answers. Well, who in the hell is he, then?' he demands. She whispers in his ear That's me before the surgery.' ....


Stag Night Joke Ideas

You're on the stag night and there's always one member of the group who has those tired old jokes. So you can arm yourself beforehand here's some material you can claim as your own. Stag nights wouldn't be the same without some cringe worthy jokes.
 
1. The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Strewth, talk about Dyson with death.

2.Paddy says: "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ." "Sod that" says Mick: "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"

3.I've just had a letter back from Screwfix. they said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.

4.My girlfriend thinks that Im a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

5.I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid....... then I was petrified.

6.A wife says to her husband: "Youre always pushing me around and talking behind my back".
He says: "What do you expect? Youre in a wheelchair".

7.I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.

8.She said: "I would like to come back as a cow".
I said: "You're obviously not listening".

9.Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it's been eaten. It's called wedding cake.

10.I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said: "I love you".
She said; "Is that you or the beer talking?"
I replied: "It's me talking to the beer".

11.The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I've been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

12.They've opened a new shop across the road selling camouflage clothing but I have my suspicions something weird is going on. Yesterday I saw 20 people go in but I never saw anyone coming out.

13.I've been on the phone for ages trying to book tickets for an Elvis tribute act, but it keeps asking me to press 1 for the money, 2 for the show......

 14.I just brought a friend of mine a new fridge, should have seen his face light up when he opened it

 15.A friend of mine moved into a new house at the weekend so I took him over a couple of radiators. Just a little house warming present.

16.I've just heard the window cleaner shouting and swearing outside my house. I think he's lost his rag.

 17.I went to my allotment last week and found someone had covered it with 2 inches of soil. I went again yesterday only to find it covered again with another 2 inches of soil. The plot thickens!!!

 18.A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.....

19.I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin... 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it... I thought to myself, these idiots have lost the plot!!

 20.A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for the channel said...'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.'

 21.My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! B*ll*cks to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

 22.Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

 23.I start a new job in Seoul next week.. I thought it was a good Korea move.

 24.I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself ‘that guy’s heading for a breakdown’.


Good Joke for Speeches

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the
other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not
 from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot
to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error
in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error
would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.


The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for
centuries, but you make a good point, my son."


He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the
original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't
been opened for hundreds of years.


Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot . . .
But the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees
him banging his head against the wall and wailing.


"We missed the R !


We missed the R !


We missed the R !"


His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"


With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was...





"CELEBRATE !!!"




Jokes for Speech Material

These are great to incorporate into any wedding speeches you've got coming up. So if you're the Best man or the Groom fill your boots:-

 

1. The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen
table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for
no reason.  I thought to myself "She's going through the change."

2.    When I was in the pub I heard a couple of dickheads saying that they
wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.
What a pair of sexist tw@ts.  I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse
the bloody thing!

3.    Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter' who has stabbed
six people in the arse in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be
following some kind of pattern.

4.    Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could
eat it!

5.    A teddy bear is working on a building site.  He goes for a tea break
and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen.  The bear is
angry and reports the theft to the foreman.  The foreman grins at the bear
and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have
their pick nicked."

6.    Murphy says to Paddy "What ya talkin to an envelope for?"  "I'm
sending a voicemail ya thick sod!"

7.    Just got back from my mate's funeral.  He died after being hit on
the head with a tennis ball.  It was a lovely service.

8.    19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of
you?"  Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."

9.  An Asian fellow has moved in next door.  He has travelled the world,
swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain.  It
came as no surprise to learn his name is Bindair Dundat.



 

 

 

 

 

 

 



Joke

A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born ?' 

The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!  YourMom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.  Then I set up a date via e-mailwith your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.  We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other.  There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.  As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used afirewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button , nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: 


You've got male!